barbara walters just said penis...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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