Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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