I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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