my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
