Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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