The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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