apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
