my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
