Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
