the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
