You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
