she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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