omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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