she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
