I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
