The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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