i need an iv and a liver transplant
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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