I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
