I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
