My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
