he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I supernannyed him into submission
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
