Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
