Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
