My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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