Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
