A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
