remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
it hurts more in the daytime
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
