Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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