my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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