i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
