tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
