halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
