and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
