My sheets look like a crime scene.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
