smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.