I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
