Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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