No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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