i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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