I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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