when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
