My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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