just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
