I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We just shotgunned beers for America
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Send help, water and tortillas.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
