my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
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God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
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Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person