where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.