I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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