I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
