Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
