I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
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Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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