Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
