Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
