Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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