laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
