But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
