I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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