Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
