Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
